Faugasms: Tsk Tsk Ladies


It might have been around the time Meg Ryan panted and moaned her way into romantic comedy history that men realized their own personal nightmare of faked orgasms was an honest to god real thing.

It was the 80s. Couldn’t we have cut them a break? Women were already wearing shoulder pads that were broader than even the most muscular of male shoulders. Then Nora Ephron delivered the ultimate blow to their ego. And not just their regular ego…their sexual ego. Who can say for sure if they’ve recovered completely yet?

Let’s make sure we understand something right off the bat: if you’re here for tips on how to better fake an orgasm…you’ve come to the entirely wrong place.

I don’t support the faking of orgasms. Of course I’ve done it, but at this point in my life I’ve decided to make the conscious effort not to. Don’t get me wrong, to each her own and all that jazz, but I have to ask the big question: just who does it actually benefit?

The short answer is no one.

Every time you fake an orgasm, who are you doing it for? Yourself? Your partner? Let’s break down why neither of these are the right answer.

If you’re faking an orgasm for yourself (it’s late, you’re tired, you’re going numb and it’s not going to happen) you’re just putting more pressure on yourself. The more you think about what you’re ‘expected’ to do, the smaller the chance it’ll actually happen. Once you get to thinking about your lack of orgasm (“How is it not happening? What’s wrong with me?”) that’s all that will be on your mind.

Let’s say you fake an orgasm and it’s an Oscar-worthy performance. You might be setting yourself up to be psyched out the next time when you actually come and it’s not as loud and ceiling-shaking as the fake one was. So you end up telling yourself “I better blow it out of proportion or else he’ll think something’s up!” At some point after doing this repeatedly, you might get to a point where even YOU don’t know what’s real and what’s not.

If you’re faking an orgasm for the person you’re with, you should take a long, hard look at why.

I can understand if it’s a one night stand, a fuck buddy or anyone else you have no intention of seeing seriously or ever again. In those cases, who cares? Fake it, don’t fake it…it really makes no difference.

However, if you’re having sex with a significant other and whatever they’re doing just isn’t working for you, don’t fake it because you feel obligated to. As lame as it sounds, these are the teaching moments. It’s times like these that you’ll get to see the raw, true side of your person. They shouldn’t be offended to hear that you need to switch it up if you’re going to have a chance to come. (Provided you don’t say it with major malice.) There’s absolutely nothing wrong with letting someone know what else they can do to satisfy you. Asking for something different to help you get off is a right and not a privilege, I’m pretty sure.

If you’re with someone who cares about you, they’re going to want to know how they can make you come for real, no matter what they have to do or how long it takes. Saying that, you both also need to know that not having an orgasm during sex isn’t the worst thing in the world. It in no way diminishes him as a man/her as a woman or you as a sexual being. The entire act isn’t torture, sometimes it’s great just being there!

The other reason that faking an orgasm is beneficial for exactly no one is: if you’re doing it with a guy, you’ll know that they’re creatures of habit. If they think something has worked well (especially if you dub it with Jenna Jameson-esque noises) they’re likely to do it again and again until you finally work up the nerve to say you need something else. And chances are, if you guys break up (sorry to hear that!) he’ll use those same techniques on the next girl and then have those big puppy dog ‘who me?’ eyes if she tells him that that’s not going to cut it.

What it all comes down to is that you’re both grown-ups (hopefully). You should be able to tell each other what you want and need in bed in order to both have a good, complete time. When you really look at it, faking an orgasm doesn’t really have any upsides.

Oh, and just a word to the wise…it’s really hard to fake the pulsating that our vaginas do when we come. And if he’s not wearing a condom or she has her fingers in you…they’ll know that something is missing. No one ever wants to be faced with the questions “Um, did you just fake an orgasm?”

Bianca Teixeira is a freelance writer and radio personality. She writes on post-its, napkins, her hand and scrap pieces of paper. Occasionally, those scribbles make it online.You can follow her random musings at @BeeLauraTee.

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