I wish I were still a virgin. The more I date, the more I think this. When I was younger I was a naïve fool who wanted to wait until I fell madly in love with a man to give it all away. Though I did date men, none of them were my loves and by age 22, my hormones couldn’t take it any longer and I lost my one and only v-card to a guy who didn’t even know how inexperienced I was. We were barley dating and whenever we saw it each other it was only behind closed doors. I liked him, he liked my bed, and when I finally threw up my arms and sighed, “Fine, let’s get this over with,” he delivered the most awkward five minutes of my life. Thankfully all my sexual conquests since him have been much much better and he and I no longer talk. Even though I have seen the light, I know how great it can be and I have had some fantastic moments between the sheets, I do still wish it never happened. I’ve never been in love and I’ve never been in a relationship. Being in my mid twenties, I can’t help but feel like a complete freak and as if I’m missing out on something. The past three years I have been on a downward spiral, my bitter bone has been gaining strength and I’m starting to see how living a full life, as a spinster might not be the worse thing ever. At the same time, I wouldn’t mind trying out this love business and see if it’s as great as everyone says it is, and if all those romantic comedies aren’t totally full of shit. With this in mind, I have, once again, opened myself to the great world of dating, though not completely. Actually, if I’m being honest, I have barley opened the door to even whisper “Hello world of men, it’s Shelby!” I have been taking baby steps, each more terrifying than the last and with each step I lose more and more hope that everything and everyone isn’t awful. The main reason for this is that I can’t help that most men just expect sex, immediately. I know we all get horny every now and then, but a bit of respect and courting will never go out of style. Also, it’s terrifying to sleep with someone new. Part of the reason why I stopped dating was because I wanted to stop hating myself. Getting turned down just because I wouldn’t have sex on the first date or sleeping with a man only to get the cold shoulder afterwards and eventually never hear from him again. A person can only take so many beatings before they cave in, have enough and curl into a ball, cutting off the world. This is why, lately I can’t help but think if I never had that awful first time with some guy who wasn’t even worth my time to begin with, then how much bullshit would I have saved myself from? If today I were still a virgin, still waiting to be in love, then I wouldn’t be hurt by the guys who never called after we were “together,” I might not even have been hurt by the guys who turned me down when I turned down sex. If I said I were a virgin they might have just left without getting mad. Then again so many people tell me that the pain is part of the process and we’ve all been there. All I know if this lady is getting worn down by the process and sick of the expectations. Though no virgin today will believe me when I say this, but the world was a lot less complicated before I gave it all a way. Shelby Monita is a freelance writer living in Toronto. Her writing mainly focuses on music, more specifically underground and punk rock. She welcomes the travel bug with open arms and loves to share her stories. You can read more of her work on her site casamonita.com.