Misfortune Cookie?


I cracked it open with the expected curiosity one has when handed a fortune cookie. On New Year’s Day with the annual need to reinvent myself I guess I was hoping for something really inspiring to emerge from the sweet interior of that cookie and there it was. “You will always live in interesting times.” Was that a fortune or a curse? The week leading up to the cookie I was without power for five days. I lost one of the most important presences in my life, and did I mention I was made victim of a New Year’s Eve flasher. That’s right, while waiting for a designated driver to pick my friends and I up; a man approached our parked vehicle junk in hand and just stood there exposed in negative 30 degree cold. I don’t know if I was more frightened or concerned. Frost bite can happen.

I will always live in interesting times? Do I have to? Can’t I please get a resting period of normal? Normal isn’t really something I have ever experienced. To me, “normal” would be super ‘interesting.” By that I mean another person’s level of normal. My normal is abnormal.

The strange thing is I don’t know how “Interesting” happened to my life. I remember I started out normal. I remember being as young as five wanting a baby doll because when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was “A Mom.” I thought it was the best job. Taking care of a family and making sure they’re happy. I loved that. The response I got from grown-ups were along the lines of “I mean for a job.” I really thought that was an occupation. When I found out it wasn’t, I spent years deciding what I wanted to be when I grow up. In fact I am still figuring it out.

I mean things that were considered normal have all evolved past that. I really wish that wasn’t the case. Sure women are now given freedom to vote and work, but any woman who just wanted to have a family is now considered crazy, clingy and the admission of such wants mean those wants will not come to fruition and that woman in question will spend many years accumulating large number of pets to nurture, like rabbits or gerbils so she can be around come sort of babies. This result is also not normal.

I want to know why submitting to our base desires and purpose is considered shameful. We live in a world where a woman can twerk on a douchey beetlejuice impersonator and that is considered hot and the sentence dream girl can be applied to such a person, but for a woman to say I want stability, I want a real job. I someday want marriage and babies is the new taboo?

Now after reading that I assume you’re imaging matronly women psychotically planning their wedding pinterest board, but that is not the case. To have a solid idea of what they want in a certain timeline is an admirable and brave quality. I want to stop waking up and wondering where the shirt I am wearing came from. I want to not have 3 am text messages from guys named Steve asking if I have ever heard of a Cincinnati Bowtie! I want to be a good girl with a plan. I want to be proud of knowing what I want. I want people to not be afraid to say that they have had enough adventure. I’m not saying that I want to settle down right this second but I would really like to see it in the distance and know that one day this wild ride will take me down the freeway of carefree happiness with a super amazing car filled with love.

I’m not afraid to say this. It’s what I want. If you don’t like it, get out of the car. Who knew a fortune cookie could bring on such an epiphany?

Andrea Holz is a Toronto-based award winning writer, actress, comedian and coffee master. 

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